In an effort to appeal to you, the Lowest Common Denominator, I have compiled a list of things to definitely try and to absolutely avoid with your Valentine this evening:
Do take your loved one out for a nice meal.
Don’t throw your loved one directly into traffic.
Do gaze longingly into your loved one’s eyes.
Don’t use your X-ray vision to gaze through your loved one’s eyes into their cerebral cortex.
Do offer a token of your love in the form of a gift.
Don’t make your loved one address you only as “My Liege.”
Do confirm your monogamy with tender displays of affection.
Don’t press your privates against the taxi window on the ride home.
Do offer to pick up the tab.
Don’t read your entire enemies list aloud to the waitstaff.
Do present flowers or a nice card.
Don’t poke pinholes in the condom just to prove a point.
Do reminisce about the lovely times you have shared.
Don’t excuse yourself from the table by bellowing, “Gotta go deflower the porcelain princess.”
Do say, “I love you.”
Don’t add, “for now.”
Do your best to make your loved one feel special.
Don’t assume that making your loved one feel special includes fisting.
Do dance to a song you both enjoy.
Don’t throw fistfuls of confetti printed with your loved one’s full Social Security number.
Do enjoy a nightcap.
Don’t push your loved one into the well in your basement.
Do embrace delicately.
Don’t bitterly rattle off your nightmarish history of “better lays.”
Do kiss goodnight.
Don’t slip your loved sleeping pills just so you can sneak back home before your spouse gets suspicious.